Hey guys. 💕☄ Today has been a bit of a blue day for me today. 😞 I had to reapply my makeup about 100 times because I kept getting teary at work, which makes me mad because that’s so embarassing and unprofessional! Sigh, hopefully nobody noticed. 🙄
Last night I had a dream about my ex. You know it’s all great when I’m dreaming about it, but I woke up feeling grumpy because my dream wasn’t reality and obviously memories of my ex were crowding my mind. I couldn’t stop thinking about him all day.
It’s almost been one month since we have had any contact with each other. It will be a month on Thursday and I will be so happy. Every Thursday I count the weeks because each week that goes by is more distance between us.
I have to be strong. Sometimes I still believe he is the one for me and I miss him so much, but then when I have him in my life I often feel as though he isn’t the one for me. It’s so confusing. But I needn’t worry since I am trying to move on. So it doesn’t matter what I think right now.
I know I deserve better than this. But I also know he is happy. This bothers me. It shouldn’t bother me, but why should he be happy whilst I think about and miss him everyday. There isn’t a day which goes by that I don’t think about him.
I think he is a liar. He doesn’t care about me at all. If he cared about me, he would act as if he does. Whilst we were speaking this last time, he told me one of his ‘biggest secrets’ was that he wanted to have children with me. He told me that when he was with me he felt different to usual, in a good way. He told me that we had a ‘connection’ and that we always end up coming back together. He told me he valued me. He would message me again and again if I didn’t reply straight away to his texts. He would leave a row of kisses with every text he sent. One time I turned my phone off to save battery, and I turn it back on to see panicky messages from him asking me why his message hadn’t been delivered, as if he was afraid I had blocked him.
He told me he wasn’t interested in a relationship. He wasn’t interested in a relationship, but he wanted us to have a family together? That makes perfect sense.
I once read a quote talking about how someone may love you, but what matters is how they show it. My ex may have cared for me, but he didn’t care enough to prove it.
I don’t think it would ever be possible for us to be in a happy, healthy relationship with one another. We have too much damaged history.
I don’t know if there will ever be a time for us. If we could ever be a part of each others lives. Part of me hopes we could be friends, but what would be the need? If I fall in love with someone else, then why would I need to be friends with my ex?
He is my first love. He could never be ‘just a friend’.
Since I was thinking about him today, I decided to unblock his number. Then I thought, no I mustn’t ever let him back in! So I was going to block his number again, when I thought ‘What is the point’? He doesn’t miss me, or want me in his life. If he did he wouldn’t have let me go. He isn’t going to contact me again. But in the end I decided it was important for me to block his number. Just in case. I have also deleted his number, it would be pretty easy for me to find it again but I don’t intend to.
Just dreaming about him has completely rained on my day. This is the power he has over me. I’ve wasted precious time being grumpy and sad, when I should have been working to be the best I can be. I should have been valuing my time with my loved ones. Why should I ever let someone who makes me feel so bad come back into my life? In what way does he deserve my love? He doesn’t.
One month on Thursday since we last spoke. I don’t feel like this is the end, but give it another couple of months and maybe I’ll feel differently. I will not contact him myself, if he contacts me I will muster up all my strength to not reply.
Thankyou for reading. Love, Jennie. 💖 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx