Feeling blue. πŸ’­πŸ’–β˜„

Hey guys. πŸ’•β˜„ Today has been a bit of a blue day for me today. 😞 I had to reapply my makeup about 100 times because I kept getting teary at work, which makes me mad because that’s so embarassing and unprofessional! Sigh, hopefully nobody noticed. πŸ™„

Last night I had a dream about my ex. You know it’s all great when I’m dreaming about it, but I woke up feeling grumpy because my dream wasn’t reality and obviously memories of my ex were crowding my mind. I couldn’t stop thinking about him all day.

It’s almost been one month since we have had any contact with each other. It will be a month on Thursday and I will be so happy. Every Thursday I count the weeks because each week that goes by is more distance between us.

I have to be strong. Sometimes I still believe he is the one for me and I miss him so much, but then when I have him in my life I often feel as though he isn’t the one for me. It’s so confusing. But I needn’t worry since I am trying to move on. So it doesn’t matter what I think right now.

I know I deserve better than this. But I also know he is happy. This bothers me. It shouldn’t bother me, but why should he be happy whilst I think about and miss him everyday. There isn’t a day which goes by that I don’t think about him.

I think he is a liar. He doesn’t care about me at all. If he cared about me, he would act as if he does. Whilst we were speaking this last time, he told me one of his ‘biggest secrets’ was that he wanted to have children with me. He told me that when he was with me he felt different to usual, in a good way. He told me that we had a ‘connection’ and that we always end up coming back together. He told me he valued me. He would message me again and again if I didn’t reply straight away to his texts. He would leave a row of kisses with every text he sent. One time I turned my phone off to save battery, and I turn it back on to see panicky messages from him asking me why his message hadn’t been delivered, as if he was afraid I had blocked him.

He told me he wasn’t interested in a relationship. He wasn’t interested in a relationship, but he wanted us to have a family together? That makes perfect sense.

I once read a quote talking about how someone may love you, but what matters is how they show it. My ex may have cared for me, but he didn’t care enough to prove it.

I don’t think it would ever be possible for us to be in a happy, healthy relationship with one another. We have too much damaged history.

I don’t know if there will ever be a time for us. If we could ever be a part of each others lives. Part of me hopes we could be friends, but what would be the need? If I fall in love with someone else, then why would I need to be friends with my ex?

He is my first love. He could never be ‘just a friend’.

Since I was thinking about him today, I decided to unblock his number. Then I thought, no I mustn’t ever let him back in! So I was going to block his number again, when I thought ‘What is the point’? He doesn’t miss me, or want me in his life. If he did he wouldn’t have let me go. He isn’t going to contact me again. But in the end I decided it was important for me to block his number. Just in case. I have also deleted his number, it would be pretty easy for me to find it again but I don’t intend to.

Just dreaming about him has completely rained on my day. This is the power he has over me. I’ve wasted precious time being grumpy and sad, when I should have been working to be the best I can be. I should have been valuing my time with my loved ones. Why should I ever let someone who makes me feel so bad come back into my life? In what way does he deserve my love? He doesn’t.

One month on Thursday since we last spoke. I don’t feel like this is the end, but give it another couple of months and maybe I’ll feel differently. I will not contact him myself, if he contacts me I will muster up all my strength to not reply.

Thankyou for reading. Love, Jennie. πŸ’– xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

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14 thoughts on “Feeling blue. πŸ’­πŸ’–β˜„

  1. Hey, sorry you had a bad day. I just want you to know it’s gonna be hard to get over someone after you’ve ended an unhealthy relationship with them. The only advice I have is gonna sound painful and unfair but it always works: the brain makes associations with things right? So instead of associating him with what good he gave you and associating him with pleasure, associate his name or the thought of him with pain. I know after your history it’ll be really difficult to do that but it’s the best solution at this moment because you clearly feel some kind of way towards him if you think of him often and dreams about him affect you like this. If you associate him with pain you wouldn’t be slightly tempted to go back to him. Anyway you’re better off without him as life without him means one step closer to achieving your Joe Hart dream. Hope this helped it probably didn’t but give this method some thought at least

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thankyou so much for your thougtful and helpful comment! Honestly your comments always make my day πŸ™‚ and it made me laugh out loud when you mentioned Joe Hart! You are so right hahaha! This is such good advice and I’ve never thought about this that way. I’m going to try and make an association! Thankyou so so much for your advice! It means a lot

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I knew big Joe would cheer you up since I seem to remember you wanting to name your son after him as you said in a post. With regards to the advice I was reluctant to give it because people are unwilling to make that association I’m genuinely glad you’re open to it

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  2. Ex’s suck. I still dress up everyday in hope he sees me and watches what he has let go off. I saw my ex the other day, I was dressed up and he stops and waits for me only to moan at me about liking him, then he texts me asking me to meet him to “just chill”. He has my first love and after my sexual assult he was the only “friend” that really supported me. I know it sucks when all you want is for them to change but look at it this way. 1) You are gorgeous and you don’t need anyone in your life to tell you that. 2) He had a diamond and is now stuck on rocks. 3)You’re the best thing he could have had and its his own fault that you are gone. Smile and think of better things and just remember to keep that imaginary crown stable upon your head because afterall you are a queen. β™‘
    Hope this brings a smile to your face, always here if you need me. Xx

    Like

    1. They do! πŸ™„ Yes! Show him what hes missing girl πŸ’πŸ» and dont let him play you! If you see him out again dont even let him talk to you because you are better than that and he isnt worth your time! What did you reply to his message? And thankyou so much hun! You’re comment made me feel So much better and put a smile on my face! I really appreciate the your support Alanna! And I am always here for you too! Keep your crown on too! Xx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Pingback: Out with the old to make room for the new. πŸ’†πŸ»πŸ’– | 50shad3s0fjay

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