I have had the most wonderful day today with my family, and I am so thankful for all the great memories that have been made. I have had the most perfect day with the ones I love the most, and I’m excited to talk a little more about this in tomorrow’s post, where I’ll share lot’s of pictures and stories and just gush about how great the day has been.
But right now I have something else to share…
This is a completely spontaneous post that should get a little deep as I talk about my feelings and matters of the heart. I am so excited to be writing this because these types of posts are my favourite to write, I love getting deep and emotional and just expressing my feelings.
Since I started this blog, and long before, I have been on and off with my ‘ex- boyfriend’, inverted commas because we were never actually official. I guess you could say he has been the love of my life and I’ve never quite moved on from him, but now I think it’s time to let go and I’m ready for the ‘relationship’ side of our relationship to be over. As in, we are never ever ever getting back together. Because for the first time I don’t want him to confess his love for me, I don’t want him to say he will change, I don’t want him to bring me flowers and offer me the world. I don’t want him in that way anymore.
I want to move on and fall in love with someone new, the real love of my life, preferably Zac Efron but I’ll settle for Harry Styles if I have to… Jokes aside, I don’t think this boy is the one for me.
As much as I want to move on I’ve still remained in contact with him, and we have been speaking consistently for over a month now which I’m more than happy about. I do want to be his friend, I’ll always be his friend, and I think it’s easier this way too. Completely cutting him out of my life, blocking and unblocking him, will just have us going round in circles.
Being friendly is one thing, but anything more than facebook messaging I’m not so sure about and tonight my ex asked me if we could hang out soon. Initially I said yes, but I regretted it straight away.
I know that to spend any real time together right now wouldn’t be right.
I just don’t think I’d be seeing him for the right reasons. I felt awful for saying no, but that’s not a good enough excuse for me to say yes.
The thought of hurting him or upsetting him by saying ‘no, I don’t want us to hang out’, really breaks my heart but that’s no reason to spend time with someone. And did he ever feel guilty for the numerous times he broke my heart? I’m not so sure. Sometimes we have to be selfish and in the long run, I strongly believe this is for the best.
I still love my ex, I can’t know for sure whether I’ll always hold a soft spot for him but it doesn’t take away how much I care about him now. I want him to be happy, he deserves all the happiness and love in the world and I hope he finds that.
He could have had that with me but it’s too late now for us to be more than friends and in fairness, I don’t think we were ever made to last as a couple.
One day he will find his true soulmate and I shall find mine.
It’s possible that we are soulmates. I’m not ruling that out and that’s another reason I don’t want to see him just yet, I think if we were to meet up and spend time together, having a laugh like we do, I could very easily find myself falling for him again and far too quickly I’d be stuck in the same old rut.
Which is not what I want at all. I want a chance to move on, I’ve never had that before because we’ve always come back to each other after a couple of months. We need more time apart to be able to move on properly, we need that chance to know whether what we have is something or nothing. How can I know for sure whether I truly am in love with him if I’ve never know what it’s like to let these feelings go and be without him. If in a years time I haven’t seen him, and I still have feelings for him then maybe I’ll consider acting on them, but only time will tell if my love for him will stay or fade.
I am SO proud of myself for being strong and saying no to him, for giving myself a chance to move on.
I could have so easily gone through with seeing him and I know the worry that it wasn’t right would be niggling at me constantly if I hadn’t turned around and said actually, I’m not sure about this…
I know I’ve done the right thing in not agreeing to see him because as sorry as I feel, a huge weight has been lifted off my heart and I feel lighter and more free, as if I have nothing to worry about.
I was so worried about hurting my ex’s feelings, but by pleasing him I’d be hurting myself and others in the process because I’d be grumpy and consumed with worry 24/7, no matter how positive I tried to be.
I am so happy I found the strength to put myself first and do the right thing, it was hard but I know it’s going to be worth it.
If you’re reading this ex boyf, don’t ever think I don’t love you, I will always be your friend.
But it’s my life, my journey, and I’m going to do what makes me the happiest.
My best advice I can give to anyone based on this post is don’t be afraid to put yourself first, and always follow your gut instinct.
Thankyou all so much for reading, and thankyou all for your continued advice and support with my relationship ups and downs.
I hope you’ve all had an amazing day.
With love, Jennie. ❤️ xxxxxxxxxxxxx