TRIGGER WARNING *this post talks about periods, mental health, depression, intrusive thoughts, alcohol, sex, birth control etc
Hey cuties and welcome back to my blog, this post has been a long time coming but I am FINALLY writing my ‘4 ways I’m detoxifying my body- 3 years on’ blog post. If you’ve followed me for a while now, you may know that in 2019 my mental health took a spiral downwards which actually deeper triggered my Spiritual awakening, it actually led me to wonderful experiences, so many beautiful gifts and oh how I am thankful, but at the time, I was struggling and I am so grateful to everyone who reached out and was a true friend to me. I received so much support from my blogging Angels (as well as my loved ones in real life who were truly there for me) and I am so grateful. I was actually struggling deeply with intrusive thoughts and it’s funny, because I actually only really started to notice them being acknowledged more on social media. The first time I saw a video on TikTok someone had shared about intrusive thoughts and they are so brave!! I’ve started to see more and more talk about this online which is amazing as I want anyone to know who may be struggling from intrusive thoughts, they are not who you are and you are safe. Here’s a link for more on all things intrusive thoughts in case you wanted to learn more about them, so you know you are not alone. (this is a link to a blog post I found, I wanted to find the right one for anyone who might be struggling and I knew the Universe would guide me, in this post the author mentions dolphins, dolphins are my Spirit Animal / how I know I’m on the right track which is why I chose this one). I may even write my own blog post about intrusive thoughts as I just want anyone to know there is not an intrusive thought too shameful to share with someone when you are struggling. Please know you are not alone.
The timing of the intrusive thoughts came as I was going through a ‘break up’ which I found really triggering for me. I had experienced these situations before but I’d always gotten through them, although I can still recall times where they were eating away at me before the breakup however, the breakup was a turning point in my life where I really had to look at the situation face on and face the ‘dark night of the soul’, if it can even be called that, because I was just struggling from intrusive thoughts however, this and the breakup combined did lead me to a deeper deeper sense of Spirituality. At the time, I was ‘broken’ although as Leeor Alexandra has taught me – ‘it’s okay to break, that’s how the light gets in’ so – I don’t believe I was broken as such. You can read more on how I was struggling here in this post ‘Out Of The Darkness and Into The Light (It DOES Get Better) My Story’. I want anyone who is reading this to know that it DOES get better, you are amazing and anything you are going through is FOR you. To lift you to greater heights, to propel you into your beauty, power, LIBERATION. Face the dark, it can be scary, but it is liberating when you dance with your shadow.
Anyway, back when I was having this awakening / depression / experience, I shared a post – ‘4 Ways I’m Detoxifying My Body For A Better State Of Mind’. I then shared a follow up post just over a year later documenting my experience with the ‘detox / cleanse’ so far – what had changed etc, and I wanted to do the same once again. I was going to film some chatty videos for IGTV last year to talk about it but, that never happened and now here I am, in Divine Timing, sharing a recap. I don’t know how this post will go, it might be really long and I may split it, or I may just ramble away and let you grab a snack or a cup of coffee / your drink of choice as you read, but whichever, I hope you enjoy the post and gain something beautiful from it even if it’s just a chilled laidback read where you enjoy delving into my life. It is all perfect.
Cleanse number 1 was to go vegetarian, and I am still veggie! I have dabbled in being a vegan since both the detox post and my catch up post, but I truly find the vegan lifestyle too restrictive to the point where I don’t even have vegan days anymore because I just want to be free. I enjoy eating veggie although ironic because in my original post I talk about wanting to consume ‘high vibrational foods’ when in reality my diet is not the healthiest yet (though I do try) but either way, I am a vegetarian and I can’t see that changing. We can never say never and I’m actually not against eating meat even though, I struggle to understand it a little because as much as I get it’s the ‘cycle of life’ I just don’t get how anyone can eat animals as such however, I also do? Sometimes, more so recently, I feel a craving for certain meat because it feels like ‘proper’ food like – protein? But I couldn’t. It grosses me out also I want to protect animals. I’m not perfect and I wear leather, although minimally but yes I own Gucci trainers and I’m not about to promise I’ll never purchase more because I am a human and it’s like in ‘The Good Place’ SPOILER ALERT IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE SHOW but we can’t be fully perfect, we have to enjoy life too and if I want to wear leather trainers all the while Gucci (as far as I know – going to have to research) don’t have vegan options then I’m not going to limit myself, I just don’t have to be excessive same with anyone / anything. Some people eat meat but never travel, or they eat meat but have the odd vegan / veggie day, it’s all about the balance and doing what is right for you and ultimately, our happiness (genuine, true happiness) is one of the greatest gifts we can give because when we are happy and our own cup is full – we have so much more to give. I was miserable being vegan and it was actually harming my mental health more because I began over thinking everything, like I want a Cartier ring and then I started to feel guilty because I thought it was unfair to the Earth but actually as one of my closest bestest friends pointed out to me – better for me to buy a solid gold ring that would last a lifetime than a shit ton of rings that are made of wasteful material that I end up throwing out all the time – again, not so much wrong with that either but it did make sense for me with the Cartier ring and I’m not advocating being wasteful I’m just saying, we do our best in the best way we each can, and that’s all the Universe can ever ask.
Moving on to cleanse number TWO – drink and alcohol. I think I’m finally at a good solid place with my drinking journey because helloo, I haven’t had alcohol in at least 8 months and the last time I did – it was for the sake of getting on stage at Forbidden Nights hahahah – boundaries went out the window that day. Who wants a side story?
The story of Forbidden Nights
Last Summer, after watching Magic Mike (the film) at the open air cinema, myself and two of my gals decided to go and see ‘Forbidden Nights’ a ‘sexy adult circus’ show at Infernos, Clapham. Oh my goodness, it’s a great show and of course, I wanted to be chosen to go on stage for a dance because, banter. Lol. So, I used my little lipstick spell where I poured vanilla extract onto my lipstick and spoke the words ‘positive vibes positive energy attracting beautiful blessings positive prosperity’ (this is an adaption of a spell from The Witchcraft Handbook by Midia Star – read about my success of manifesting money with the help of this book here) and enjoyed the show. I forgot to mention that we somehow managed to bag ourselves front row seats – we had not booked these seats we were just blessed with them ) also I should mention I deffo did the spell during the interval not beforehand (I may have done beforehand as well but anyway). Anyway, during the first half of the show (if i remember correctly) two of the dancers came round and one of them handed me a shot to which obviously I had to drink despite my no alcohol boundaries because I reallly wanted to get on that stage and I needed to drink the shot so they knew I was a team player LOL my concern was that if I did not drink the shot they would think I wasn’t involved in the show therefore, I would not be pulled on stage (soz guys again not advocating drinking just to fit in but I’m an adult and it was a genuine fun decision I did not feel SERIOUS pressure just saying), also lol because boundaries went out the window again as I scrapped my ‘no social media on weekends’ energy to post a selfie at the show as my entry into the competition to win being brought on stage. It is what it is. Anyway- I won the competition and my best friend screamed like I’d won an Oscar, along with another lady who got on stage too. This is where I did draw the line though as to determine a winner – they required us to do our best ‘fake orgasm’ to which I said absolutely no chance my friend. No way. Anyway, fair play to the other girl because she went in I honestly felt relieved because I thought ‘that’s a soundtrack we don’t actually have to do it just mime’ but nope it was her and I was screwed. I just said no but SPOILER ALERT both of us got the dance as we should Queens lol anyway that is my forbidden nights story so that is the last time I drank alcohol.
Since then, I haven’t consumed any alcohol and whilst there’s the odd now and again where I feel tempted truthfully, the cons always outweigh the pros and I think how I would feel after, even if it’s just one drink and it’s not worth it to me. What am I doing it for? And I suppose my alcohol journey has never been about pleasure as such, you know, people like a drink etc, a cold beer at the end of the day, a cocktail, but for me it has always been drinking to get drunk, and I don’t like it. I don’t see the point, I’m not an alcohol kinda gal and who knows if I ever will drink again? I have thought about it, I do like a Malibu and coke but truthfully am I that bothered? I don’t think so.
The third cleanse for me was coming off the pill (birth control) and I’ve now been off the pill / any form of birth control for what must be around two years now, I can not believe it. I talk about this a little in my 4WID follow up post where I’d been learning a little about the Spirituality of periods etc and I’ve just been getting more and more into that. Again, it’s a personal journey for everyone but I have really gone on a womb connection dive / period experience this past year or so and it has been amazing. I do intend to write a post all about the sacredness of our bleed but for now I’m just going to share a little of my journey. I watched this video from Bridget Nielson all about free bleeding and that led me to working with my menstrual cycle by purchasing period pants and using my moon blood in rituals, for example, giving it back to my plants as offerings, or painting it onto my body, etc etc. It’s really empowering and that connection with my blood… when I say ‘uh’ I mean it in a good way. I have been learning more about cycles, how we have winter, autumn, spring, Summer. Heck, it’s only recently that I’ve learned to understand when my body is ovulating (based on the signs I’m experiencing) so what the fuck? Why at 27 years old am I only just experiencing this?? I really don’t see me taking birth control ever again or anything like that, I love my bleed so so much and I am grateful that I have the freedom to honour my body, that I can rest when she is bleeding, connect to my psychic intuition and awareness, heal and release.
Anyway, as far as I’m concerned it doesn’t matter whether you are on birth control / whatever, you can still connect with your body and cycle I just for me really prefer to listen to my body, and I don’t need the pill etc. Again it depends why you’re on it. The original reason I went on the pill in the first place was to help with my mood swings however, I do think that the current world doesn’t support healthy living especially when it comes to moon time, if you want to work whilst on your bleed or exercise whilst on your bleed that is your prerogative and no one should suffer, however I do think if the world lived in cyclical harmony and allowed people who menstruate the time to connect with their body and their womb space there would be less need for medication, even in terms of paracetamol. It does require effort but if I’m on my period and I’m experiencing deep pain, I think it’s a great time to tap into that and listen to my body. Why should I shun my bodies messages and not heal her for the sake of taking a quick paracetamol so I can go into work for a capitalist society and not honour my sacred body when she is literally bleeding?!?! It doesn’t make sense. Anyway, for me, I’m loving connecting to my body and womb space which again – you can do regardless of whether you’re on the pill or not however I am perfectly happy with not being on the pill and who knows what will happen when it comes to relationships but, I’m not taking any hormone altering medication so I don’t have a baby. I will have to look into these temperature things or other options, but we can cross that bridge when it comes to it.
Lastly, we have no meaningless sex. Oh how interesting, what a journey. I’ve dabbled with being celibate (with myself) using sex magick (so fun), harnessing my sexual energy for creativity (it does work) and having meaningless sex which made me realise feelings around my own self worth so I’m not mad it happened but, it’s made me realise a lot. Harnessing a relationship with myself and taking the time to give myself pleasure and nurture myself has definitely helped in taking away the need for a man to fill any void, I don’t need a man, I do want a romantic relationship of course, but I have myself and with that, I can give myself so much that I do not have to settle. I’m not saying I only need me, a romantic relationship will be beautiful and magickal but the point is, knowing that I can nurture myself, my body, my soul, I can delight me, it takes away my need as such – though this is just one layer of the story, only a few days ago I was feeling so lonely, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to go to someone because I feel empty. I am not empty, and I am totally okay with sitting in the dark feeling hurt / pain / loneliness because it’s the most empowering feeling when you’ve held yourself and come out the other side. I don’t need to settle when I’ve got me. And the right man is out there and who knows, maybe I’ll date many people before meeting that one, but I do not need casual sex…
Okay, so that wraps up the post. What a journey it has been and will be. How fucking amazing this life is. Life is beautiful, vibrant, everything. I was putting off writing this, issues surrounding self trust, all that type of thing but it’s okay for my truth to change and it’s okay for me to speak my truth. My story is my story and yours is yours. So God bless. Stay happy. Trust yourself. Listen to your OWN voice. Honour yourself. Count your blessings
Surrender, there is beauty in the unknown
Lots of love,
Follow- @wild.mystique (this Queen helps me on my journey so much!!!!)
Read: ‘4 Ways I’m Detoxifying My Body For A Better State Of Mind’
Read: ‘4 Ways I’m Detoxifying My Body For A Better State Of Mind | 1 year (& 3 Months) On’
Read: ‘Out Of The Darkness And Into The Light (It DOES Get Better) My Story’
Read: ‘Womb | Poetry’
For more on all things Spirituality please click here.
For my poetry please click here.
To work with me / for business enquiries please email me at JenniferRBallard222@yahoo.com
For my poetry e-magazine ‘My Heart Sings / The Beauty Of Life’ please click here.
It sounds like you’re in a good place in life and have learnt a lot about yourself over the past few years, it’s beautiful to see ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
thank you Angel, sending blessings ❤ xxx
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re doing great love! I need to stop drinking for sure. I plan on changing how lots of things starting this may and exercise and do lots of things I haven’t done in a while.
Thanks for sharing your journey with us