Hello world, again, and welcome back to my blog.
This post is referencing the very first post I shared here on my blog, ‘hello world’ which I wrote all the way back in December of 2015. Decade anniversary coming up. I would have been 20! So yes the big 3 0 is soon! 😍✨ woo! And do I intend to be a millionaire by 30? Oh yes, yes I do. Because if I can do that, we can all do anything! Haha.
So, I’m referencing and reflecting on my very first post, ‘hello world’, in this post I share today. I am also semi reintroducing myself – I’m Jennie! 29 years old, Capricorn, me. I didn’t know when I woke up this rising I would be writing this, I actually only thought recently ‘I’ll probably never blog again’ ha. Now here I am. With the inspiration of the Divine to share my poetry in one place, I thought that’s what this blog would be. My poetry, going forward, but yet, here I am, writing.
In 2015, I mentioned that I started my blog as a way to help me get over the relationship I was in at the time. A story which you will see discussed in the poetry I have scheduled. This relationship was traumatic, for unexplained reasons. Maybe reasons I know deep down but would never say to the public, but what I want to clarify is, this relationship wasn’t abusive despite the many internal scars it has left me. Emotionally exhausting, draining and awful? Yes. My heart aches and I want to spill my words to the page, it’s like rage, a pulse, venom inside of me. And I wonder as this monster bubbles inside me… am I just chatting shit? 😂 but honestly, I wonder if in my suppression of my words, it will never be released. As a writer, it can feel like suppression sometimes when we have such spiteful feelings against those we feel have wronged us, with a conscious (conscience) like mine I want to share my soul but never feel responsible for the pain of another, never want to be the person that pushes someone into being a victim, despite how they have made me feel. But all I know is I am haunted. And I hope and pray one day that I feel a love, in all areas of my life, that completely flanks the darkness, so I forget. My early adult life haunts me. Deep wounds that don’t just go back to relationships romantically, but friendships.
I believe, in Spirituality, so much of our mind is programmed at a young age. That children are everything, but when I think of my scars and wounds, the roots of insecurities and hurts that I feel, I can link so many of them to 18, 19, 20. The friends who made me feel inferior, whether they meant to or not, it hurts so much sometimes when I think about how I put so many people On a pedestal. And I despise writing this, I hate it, because it’s nobody’s fault that I felt inferior. Nobody’s. Where did it come from? A past life? I don’t know where these wounds were made. But I know where I can link them to. Friends growing up whilst I stayed stuck. A girl who didn’t drink but who turned to alcohol once she found herself trapped in a relationship where she didn’t want to be, but she felt she had to. Had to stay. As I mention in my poem 24 Hours Sake, why did I feel I couldn’t walk away? Where are the lessons as we grow up that we don’t owe someone our heart just to prevent there’s from breaking? Thats not true. That’s not real. When everyday I’d wake up feeling guilty till I tricked myself into believing it was romantic and it was love… and I prayed for us and for what? So it could be thrown back in my face? And it makes me feel sick, truly. So ill. In a previous relationship, more recent than the one I started this blog over, I used to have these ‘dreams’, nightmares even. That my ‘partner’ at the time turned out out to be my ex. Or I’d lose him to my ex. Something along those lines. And it was horrible. I was haunted. I still am. Ten years on I’m still purging and I wonder why? How could it be so traumatic? Where does this come from? Anger at myself for words I never voiced? Anger at myself for letting me be in that situation? And though I try to forgive and tell my heart ‘I love you’ and to not feel shame, it’s still a journey. A journey I am processing. Buuut gosh I have learnt so much from it, gained from it. Future generations of girls and boys and children will grow up knowing empowerment, self love, self worth, and how to treat people kindly and with respect, as I still continue to learn so. It’s not always easy. But we can be kind. And walk away from situations that aren’t serving us whilst still being respectful. My ex. The first one. He could have done things so differently. And for so long I blamed myself and my life, my circumstances. For so long I said if I’d have known more self love, I would never have been in that situation. And it’s true. But it shouldn’t take me knowing that for someone not to treat me the way he did. It shouldn’t take a million women empowering themselves for people to treat us with respect. He should have left me alone, right? He shouldn’t have used me to his advantage, callously playing games and stepping on my peace for his own benefit. He knew what he was doing. He was older. He knew. I know I’m not perfect. I know this. Truly. Maybe I’ve been the villain he is to me, to someone else. I know I’ve played games similar. I know. But this is my story. And I know I’m still haunted, but I hope I can continue to heal and let this go. And I can’t wait to be with my true love, and to be that true love. Because my heart, she wishes to define herself as love. I am the love frequency. And I pray, for the highest good of all, this post is received peacefully. And if my ex ever sees this, I wish I can say my heart forgives you but the joke is. I know you’ve been happy. I’ve seen it. Here I am worrying still that speaking my truth could break the one who *tried* to break me. But I know, at least based on the pictures, he’s good.
And this is a pattern for me. I’ve always worried about hurting people. Always always always, worrying about leaving relationships, ending things. Because I don’t want them to not be okay, yet I’m the one alone. Ironically. I’m a very *lonely* person. Truthfully. My deep insecurity, of being alone. Being a loser. I feel guilt at walking away from people I know aren’t meant for me and for what? I know they’re fine. I know they’re good. They’ve got people around them. So have I. But all the people I have feared hurting, have so much going for them in their lives. I shouldn’t pity them as if I’m so important. So it’s okay to walk away, respectfully. And I’m not lonely, I’ve got good people in my life, truly, and I’m still aligning with more. This is the first step, speaking my truth. It’s liberating. 🙂 ❤️
✨✨✨ but anyway. There’s still so much more to say. Referencing that first post. Hello world… and I’m going to continue referencing the past. Using old posts to write new 😉 reflecting. Why not!? Hehe. It’s ten years on after all. So now you’ll see poetry and ‘journals’!
So hello world, speak even more, so soon. ✨❤️✨
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